actually, I'm a sock model
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
