my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize