I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
