Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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