DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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