Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
