A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize