Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
