I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I love you. Go after that dick
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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