Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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