is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
