3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
