its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
