I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
