We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
