glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
