So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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