all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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