just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
