You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize