That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
