watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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