My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So much rum. So many feels.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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