Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
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