Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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