Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
