Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
