I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
