He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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