We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
