i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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