Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was confusing and full of hummus
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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