I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it was like eating out sand paper
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
