Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
