I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize