my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you had me at cake vodka
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
