she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
how drunk are you?
Several
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
