Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
