you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
