I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
