It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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