So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
