If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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