she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
