what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
