Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
