Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
