I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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