I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
