my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
