Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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