Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
