I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
