I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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