Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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