My sheets look like a crime scene.
I will die if light touches me.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
