Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
