Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
