I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I want to be your penis for a week.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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