the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
