There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
