Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
