At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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