I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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