I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
