I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
