I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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