I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
