yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
