You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
