I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
