You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
