that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just gargled with NyQuil
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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