I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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